Can You Hear Me Smiling

Father Daughter Dance

2012-01-18T21:14:00.003-05:00

Ellie handed him B and said, "you wear B. You be the Prince daddy. And I'll be the princess. Come to the ball with me. Okay?"

So he did.

It's pretty clear that we desperately need a real camera.

Lately

2012-01-18T20:59:00.004-05:00

The pics say: We roasted marshmallows in the fireplace.

The truth: The kids were happy as clams, and loved it.

The pic says: We went to the movies. And we look happy.

The truth: We spent $50, Luke "needed" to pee 5 times, so we were that annoying family who gets up and down multiple times and then he wanted to leave early. Ellie loved every minute of it. Not quite the family bonding time we had hoped for.

The pic says: It snowed.

The truth: It did.

Snow + Angels

2012-01-04T20:48:00.005-05:00

We had the littlest bit of snow last Friday. Luke took advantage of that and as I was getting Ellie into the car he laid right down and spread his wings.

Aunt Hannah and Uncle Joe gave Ellie a princess castle tent for Christmas and the kids have been enjoying playing in the new "fort". Last weekend they had a little kissing session in there and I'm so glad I was able to capture it, even though the pictures are terrible the expressions on their faces are priceless.

And just because I loved this little moment, here's another:

Perspective

2011-12-29T15:34:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I was to have had so many years of continuity with all of the holiday traditions that my family celebrated. I spent 33 Christmas Eves at my grandmother's house with my cousins. 33 years is a long time. It grew to include our spouses and children, her house was literally filled with laughter. There was the hole we felt after my grandfather died and then again after my dad was gone and then when my grandmother's brother passed away. Always moments of remembering in our way individual way, but still merrymaking to be had. My father would put the money envelopes we were given in his shirt pocket. I loved that. The windows would fog up with all of us crammed in there, so we'd have to open the front door. My brother would have us listen to his fire scanner as the local "authorities" tracked Santa. Hess trucks would be coveted. Pizza was consumed. Yes, pizza. This all encompassing tradition has now ended, new ones will begin, the Hess trucks remain. How lucky though that I had an obnoxious amount of years of expectations that were quite literally always met.

Christmas 2011 in pictures

2011-12-27T08:46:00.004-05:00

I'm home with the kids all week and thus have more time for pictures than words. Enjoy and Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve at Grandma's. We can hardly contain our excitement.

Luke got a guitar from Auntie Kristie and Uncle Tom. He has waited so long for one that his reaction was priceless. "It's a gui..." he could barely say the word he was so happy.

Taking a break to gather our thoughts.

Christmas morning and Luke does in fact have tape in his stocking. Thank you Santa.

What is in the big box??

A dollhouse for Ellie.

The Nerfman cometh.

Dart tag!

John gets some alone time with the guitar.

We need a bigger house.

Luke got a camera from Grandma, so we took a little walk around Crandall Park and took some pictures as we tested the water with a stick.

Luke "Bono" Stevens.

He kills me.

Ellie and her dollhouse.

Two minutes with Ellie

2011-12-20T21:06:00.003-05:00

Just a little look into what it's like to make dinner with Ellie underfoot. Distracting, in the cutest way possible.

Through the years we all will be together...

2011-12-18T09:32:00.007-05:00

Luke thinks we can't see him since he is wearing camo and believes he has blended into the tree.

Emerging

2011-12-18T09:03:00.003-05:00

I've been on a hiatus haven't I? I don't like to come here and be vague or write in a veiled silence so I've just taken a break. We've been busy and lazy homebodies all at the same time. John's team at work adopted a family for Christmas and helping out with that felt really good. We're excited to surprise our kids this year and share a really fun holiday with our families, despite some of the uncertainty and trepidation we've been feeling. It is time to rise above and trust in the unknown. To be the caterpillar in the cocoon that will soon emerge and take flight when the time is right.

Ellie

2011-10-30T22:01:00.006-04:00

After the kids go to bed we talk about how funny they are and the things they said to us throughout the day. Ellie has been cracking us up with her bold and commanding tone.

Exhibit A (hopefully this does not offend anyone)

Lately, if someone catches her eye she say to me, "what's him name mom?" So I took her grocery shopping with me on a recent Sunday afternoon. We were in the bread aisle which is sort of a corner area that leads to the peanut butter/jelly/cereal aisle, it's in a kind of open area. As I'm putting something in the cart and looking over my list she yells out and points, "Where's your mom and dad! Where's the mom of him, mom!?"

I looked up and there in front of us was a Little Person.

I was MORTIFIED.

She stared at me and he stared at me. It felt like time had stopped and then he turned on his heel just as his wife also a Little Person met up with him. This sent Ellie into a rant, "where's they mom and dad? They kids lost?"

Oh my God. She stared them down as I moved us to another part of the store. Of course we saw them in every aisle and thankfully she kept her mouth shut. I tried telling her that all people are different, and that they were not kids.

Exhibit B

Luke goes to a Catholic school and they say Grace before they eat lunch. We always said Grace growing up so it's really sweet to see him take ownership of it at dinnertime. Recently John was home to share dinner with us and as we all held hands and began the prayer, John closed his eyes as he recited the words. Ellie yelled out, "Wake Up DAD!"

So funny. So we laughed and she cried that we made her sad. Poor girl.

Ellie you make us laugh so much, thank you for being you. Even though you embarrassed the crap out of me in the store.

Three

2011-10-26T20:49:00.009-04:00

Ellie was born on John's 33rd birthday, which is fitting since she takes after his side in the looks department. In celebration of her 3rd and his 36th year, we partied it up with our closest friends and family in a swarm of pink tissue paper.

Three years ago we were here, trying not to panic.

Her first birthday was spent at Gram's house.

Her second birthday is where she discovered Strawberry Shortcake, Polly Pocket and was given her first horse trailer.

Her third birthday was all about sparkly pink, horses, and princess dresses.

26 years before he was here and one of his friends who was at his 10th birthday party was celebrating with us on his 36th.

A successful weekend for sure.

Evening feedings

2011-10-16T20:59:00.004-04:00

Remember when the children were just newborns and feedings seemed to take up all hours of the day and night. Funny how that stage comes back to haunt you.

Yes, I bribed her with an ice cream sandwich, however, apparently hummus reigns over dessert and homemade chicken noodle soup.

Just a note

2011-10-16T20:55:00.003-04:00

Luke's class learned about our postal system last week. He was so proud when his letter arrived in our mailbox. I am so proud that we are loved more than his fish.

Fall Fun

2011-10-16T20:39:00.005-04:00

So we have finally traded summer for fall in the Adirondacks. Last weekend we climbed (the car did the work, not us) to the top of Prospect Mountain with both grandma's and Aunt Hannah.

Today we dropped off John and Luke at Glen Lake for a little fishing and then John jogged home with Luke in the BOB.

Ellie and I went grocery shopping and charmed the pants off the other Hannaford shoppers with her antics and fearless commentary. I realize our excursion is much less fall-like than John and Luke's.

The three of us did take a pre-dinner jaunt around the block, tromping through leaves and mugging around like only these two can.

We're ready to hibernate and hunker down.

Pony Up

2011-10-16T20:32:00.003-04:00

My mom and I surprised Ellie with a trip to the Farmer's Market that included a real, live pony ride. We waited in line for quite some time and the closer we got to the pony the more excited and a little bit shy Ellie became. They strapped the riding helmet on her head and she barely let go of me, but did happily, although with very quiet excitement, sit atop the pretty pony. She carried my iPhone around the rest of the day looking at herself so perfectly poised on her beloved and favorite animal in all of the kingdom.

Pecan Piiieeee

2011-10-16T20:19:00.005-04:00

Remember this moment from When Harry Met Sally? These are the things I teach my children. They're pretty good learners.

Mountain climbing

2011-10-10T21:46:00.003-04:00

So you have a crazy weekend. Your kids kind of push you to the brink of insanity. Your husband peels and cuts apples for a pie, actually more than enough, so you make a pie and make up a recipe of apple turnover/pie with all of the extras.

You cut into it with the knife you used to cut your wedding cake. Suddenly all is right with the world.

Being right where you have always wanted to be is as rewarding as it is challenging.

Thank God for pie, husbands, cute kids, and good friends who "get" it.

However, I will have to break the news to Luke first thing in the morning that the crawfish (crayfish, how do you say it?) he brought home today has now passed on to a better world. We were going to set him free tomorrow in Crandall pond, so sorry crawfish, you were loved. Possibly too much (the poor thing was poked in the eye repeatedly along with being man-boy handled to no end).

Shipmate you stand relieved

2011-10-05T20:29:00.004-04:00

I went because my father couldn't. I went to uphold his name and be a reflection of his life. I went to support my mother. I went for myself.

One of my father's closest Navy "brothers" retired last Saturday after 30 years of serving our country. He and his wife were there with my parents when my father tragically and somewhat quietly left this world. They followed the ambulance my mother and father were in, in another ambulance, and when my mother emerged, alone, they were standing there. Her guardian angels she says. They stayed in the hospital with her until my brother and I arrived at 3am, the morning of March 3. It was cold, the weather, the hospital, the morgue where I almost threw up. Bone-chilling and blurry is all I can remember.

This past Saturday was quite the opposite. There was as much sympathy as there was kindness in all of their warm and friendly faces. They talked of my father, remembered him with an empty seat during the ceremony. Steve's speech began recognizing that empty seat, thanking him for his duty, his friendship, and loyalty. I remember them reading The Watch during my father's service, the tone and the tradition gets me right in my core. I honestly love the pomp and circumstance of the military. The tears were unstoppable until one friend told the story of how my father became known as "cheeks". Laughter, hugs, and fawning over my children happily took place.

We drove from Scotia to Delmar, stopping to indulge the kids in a small toy along the way. During dinner Luke shucked his dress shirt to parade around in his "My Grandpa Was a Seabee" shirt, he was met with many smiles and lots of "awwws, look at him!" We were there as they all sang the Seabee song, a boisterous and bold anthem that I remember four of my father's "brothers" singing at the end of our wedding after all four of them danced with both me and John in a huddle/embrace. Luke proudly carried his Chief coin that (I believe, unless I'm making this up) my father had commissioned shortly before he died.

I am proud to have been a part of this day. And even prouder of all that my father accomplished during his lifetime, 8 years later and his presence is still a void even to his Navy family. I can only hope to influence my community in such a way.

Conversations with 4 year olds

2011-09-26T20:55:00.002-04:00

Him: "Mom, know what I was thinking bout today? How you keep a tight schedule. I just discovered that."

Me: "Oh, really! Do you know what that means?" (meanwhile my mouth is gapping open and I am completely grinning from ear to ear)

Him: "Yeah, it means you keep things on time. I knew this in my head on my own."

Me: "I love you so much buddy."

Him: "To the moon and back and around again, right mom?"

Seriously he kills me with the things he says. A few minutes later Ellie was "naying" like a horse as she does half of her waking hours lately. Luke said, "Ellie, you know that, um, Momma, you know that little store. You know that one?"

Me: "Um, no what store?"

Him: "The one with the costumes and balloons and worker things and fishing stuff and toys?"

Me: "The Dollar Store?"

Him: "YES! They have a big one and a little one, and the next time we go der with Gramma Center I'm gonna get a horse to be like Elle!"

A few hours later in the tub he had his hand on Ellie's leg and there was this:

"MOM! Ellie has HAIR on her leg! Mom do you see THIS?! It's hair!! When I grow up I am going to grow hair just like John."

Me: "John who?"

Him: "Um Momma, he's my dad you silly!"

Apples and Balloons

2011-09-25T21:23:00.006-04:00

This weekend was the kickoff to fall in our part of the world. It starts off with the Adirondack Balloon Festival and involves apple picking and overall a weekend to spend with friends and family. We drove to Ticonderoga with our friends the Burleigh's, all eight of us crammed into their van and headed to Ti to catch the ferry to Vermont. The weather teetered on rain all day, overcast with a clearing of blue sky just far enough of reach that we barely saw it, but regardless we didn't let it stop us. The apples trees were abundant with fruit, it was barely work to fill our bags. Luke climbed a tree and Ellie climbed her dad. We packed a picnic lunch and were lucky enough to be serenaded by a dazzling guitar duo who were playing in an effort to raise funds for the flood victims of Irene. Luke showed 'em how he grooves which was pure awesomeness.

It was a perfect afternoon. We arrived home caked in mud, changed our clothes and headed out to see the evening balloon launch with my mom. Traffic was crazy but we arrived just in time to see the lift-off. Ellie was smitten with the strawberry balloon, Luke was enthralled with the planes that were on display. We stayed until the sun set in a glorious fashion.

Welcome fall, we're happy you're here (although it is almost 80 degrees and hot hot hot!)

Lately: Princesses and horses

2011-09-20T20:35:00.004-04:00

My mom surprised little Miss Ellie with a hand-me-down Disney Princess trunk full of costumes, crowns that light up and magic wands that make noise. Ellie is in heaven to say the least. I've tried to slip in here and there that the Princess' are strong enough and smart enough to save themselves from the tall castle towers but she usually tells me, "Oooh? Prince come on horse right? Neighhh"

We gave in and let her pretend to be Cinderella for the day at the babysitter's house. She owned it, and never took it off all day.

She is as obsessed with horses as she is with the Disney Princess metropolis. She tells us to say, "Is there a horse in the house?" and then she runs around the house in circles yelling "neigh!" over and over telling us to watch her be a pink horse. She asks for carrots and apples and chomps on the air gnawing away on her imaginary horsey food.

Here she is with a horse-pizza-birthday-party that she entertained herself with for hours on Sunday afternoon.

After the pizza apparently it turned into what she called, "the animal house party".

A little up close detail of the party-goers. Looks like the tub is the place to be.

And just because, this is what happens to Luke when he eats too much broccoli.

Fist-pumps

2011-09-13T21:58:00.004-04:00

Luke, like all four year olds, wakes up full of awesome pretty much everyday. He has figured out the DVD player, knowing that if he presses the triangle his show will play. When it works he fist-pumps the air, jumps and shouts "yes!" It is pretty sweet to see how proud he is when he does something right, the confidence of his independence is intoxicating.

Today as we were driving to get Ellie after school I said, "Hey buddy what do you think about corn on the cob for dinner?" He fist-pumped on cue and said, "and can we have chicken with it?" That was the plan and just as I said, "absolutely!" He exclaimed, "YES! I was thinking about that at rest time today. Thanks mom for making my favorite dinner."

I so need more fist-pumps in my day, thanks Luke for the enthusiasm for life.

Here Is New York

2011-09-06T21:59:00.004-04:00

A dear friend told me about E.B. White's book Here is New York. I am baffled that I haven't read it yet and am anxious to do so. These days leading up to 9/11 have me reflecting as I always do this time of year, but my mind cannot grasp that it was 10 years ago. This excerpt is perfectly written, it leaves me thankful that I was once a settler.

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter--the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last--the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the intense excitement of first love, each absorbs New York with the fresh yes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company. . . .

The first day 2.0

2011-09-06T21:23:00.005-04:00

Luke was excited for his first day in the 4 year old class today. We all went to school together to cheer him on and wish him well in his new classroom. As we walked through the halls he quickly needed to use the potty and his face turned from happy to anxious.

He clung to us and retreated all at the same time. He didn't make eye contact as parents of friends and the other teachers that knew him welcomed him back. He scanned his new room with trepidation and begged for another trip to the potty. When we finally decided to leave him, at the teacher's slight suggestion, he cried hard as she held him back and we walked out of sight.

Oof. Talk about hard.

I called to check in on him at lunchtime and she said he was fine, he was timid during gymtime but played duck, duck, goose and warmed up soon after.

I could not wait for 4:15 to arrive, I just wanted to hug him.

When I got to school he was just coming from, what else, but the bathroom! He ran down the hall to me and jumped in my arms. He said, "Mama! I didn't miss you today. I just did when you left me in that room all alone. I didn't miss Elle or dad either. So how was your day mama?"

He told me that after we left him his teacher sat on the floor with him and read him The Kissing Hand*. My heart swelled. My mom gave him that book a few months ago and it is one of our favorites. He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm and showed me how he made a kissing hand to keep.

My mom stopped over to see how his first day was and with his hands gesturing this way and that, he told her, "my teacher read me The Kissing Hand, so thanks for getting it for me."

Here's to new routines, new friends, new experiences, and gentle reminders that we are loved.

*Chester Raccoon doesn't want to go to school--he wants to stay home with his mother. She assures him that he'll love school--with its promise of new friends, new toys, and new books. Even better, she has a special secret that's been in the family for years--the Kissing Hand. This secret, she tells him, will make school seem as cozy as home. She takes her son's hand, spreads his tiny fingers into a fan and kisses his palm--smack dab in the middle: "Chester felt his mother's kiss rush from his hand, up his arm, and into his heart." Whenever he feels lonely at school, all he has to do is press his hand to his cheek to feel the warmth of his mother's kiss. Chester is so pleased with his Kissing Hand that he--in a genuinely touching moment--gives his mom a Kissing Hand, too, to comfort her when he is away. Audrey Penn's The Kissing Hand, published by the Child Welfare League of America, is just the right book for any child taking that fledgling plunge into preschool--or for any youngster who is temporarily separated from home or loved ones. The rough but endearing raccoon illustrations are as satisfying and soothing for anxious children as the simple story. (Ages 5 and older) --Karin Snelson

Live a life that matters

2011-09-06T21:00:00.004-04:00

This is a hard post. One about death. Again. I'm tired of writing about it but in order to mentally move on I need to.

An old friend from childhood lost her father last week. He was out playing tennis like he always did, every Monday and Wednesday and his heart just stopped. He died instantly on the court. He was healthy, fit, active, loving, proud. A great man, married to a great woman with four great kids and many grandchildren. It was one of those "this doesn't make any sense" moments. The funeral was hard to sit through. I watched the family process down the aisle and I knew that feeling, the song that played was the same one played at my father's funeral. I was unable to sing, my voice paralyzed by the huge knot of ache in my throat and my heart. The sermon was heartfelt and intimate, this man and his family made an impact on the community and the congregation. The priest, a close family friend of ours as well was visibly shaken as he began to speak. The sudden tragicness of it all had me feeling as if I was at my father's funeral, reliving those moments, the words, the songs, the disbelief. In front of me and behind me sat widowed parents of classmates and friends, clearly a club was forming and not one that anyone wants to be in or join. I sat there and wondered who was next.

My mom and I held hands with a firm grip. We cried together. We listened to the story of how my friend's father woke early to play tennis, usually much before her mom woke up, but on this particular morning she was up before he was looking out at a beautiful sunrise. He kissed her and said goodbye and she asked him to just look out the window at the beautiful sunrise for a minute before leaving for his tennis game. He did, they sat together looking at that sunrise for a great few minutes before he was off. Sunrises will never be the same for anyone in their family.

Wake early, watch the sunrise, you never know what the day will bring.

Live a life that matters
Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant
Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.
So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance, but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

Mugging around

2011-08-30T21:18:00.005-04:00

Luke loves to sneak around taking pictures with the camera*. We are admittedly really lax at downloading them, so on a recent download we discovered that Luke had snapped 50 shots in one day. Most of them are hilarious documentations of the important things in his life: toys, his room, his feet, his face, his sister, and even me and John.

Thought you'd like to see some of our favorites.

Hello there!

MomandDad look at me!

What happened to Ellie? We should also note that these were Ellie's go-to pjs last winter, she called them her "monstah pjs". I guess polar bears somewhat resemble monsters?

Nice perspective

Looks cozy

"Hey, can I do that?"

Most likely some sort of garage type / airplane hanger thing

"turn your action on Elle!"

Are you still looking?

*We've already paid once to have the camera brought back to life from when he first put his hands on it, it's currently on it's last leg,

Couch surfing

2011-08-29T21:14:00.005-04:00

Last winter we were here, living this crazy life.

Danny & Annie

2011-08-29T20:41:00.004-04:00

This video breaks my heart, makes me smile and leaves me speechless all at once. I wish I had more to say or that what I'm typing was at least partially eloquent. Be forewarned that you will cry, even though the image looks like a cartoon, it's far from it. It is however, words of wisdom.

Irene

2011-08-28T20:33:00.005-04:00

Thankfully Irene treated us more like a cuddly grandma who had us wrapped up in a warm cozy blanket instead of the alternative that we were expecting. We were spared any falling trees, never lost power, and still have a completely dry subpump/basement. Today was a family bonding day like no other.

Track stars

We spent yesterday at the track for Travers Day and then at the begging of Luke went out for fish and chips but ended up at Raul's for fish tacos. Their fish of the day turned out to be yellowfin tuna, we did not think he would go for it but John was game. So we ordered it and he amazed us with his mature palate. He ate nearly the entire meal himself. We high-fived him as he chowed on the hunks of fish and he said, "you guys, you knew I would LOVE IT!" Seriously this kid is too much.

Full belly of yellow fin tuna

When we all woke up this morning Luke was nervous that our house was going to "get wrecked". But some Curious George took his mind off that. He built a boathouse out of a cardboard box for his speedboat and used his sticker collection to decorate it. He fashioned a net to catch fish out of some bubble wrap and had his killer whale get caught in it. The rug pad was his sand bar and he was clearly the captain. It was hours of entertainment. When he tired of that he wanted to take a shower (with goggles of course), this is a recent development. One that I'm liking as it gives both of us independence.

Ellie did arts and crafts, making rainbows and sunshine while decorating herself and me with stickers all over our shirts. We also chose to use this day at potty-training 101. We put her in underwear and she quickly got the hang of it. She went three times in a row with no accidents and tons of pride. Just as I thought we were well underway of ridding her of pull-ups she pulled a fast one on us in the playroom and then again in the living room. Apparently this is how she shows her independence, doing it her way on her terms. *sigh*

Potty like a rockstar

We had fondue for lunch which was super fun. We made peanut butter cookies to share with the babysitter and we looked through old photos and videos from last winter. It was simple and quiet and homey. Thanks Irene for not living up to the predictions, we preferred you to be lackluster outside so that we could enjoy a little bit of our own luster inside.

The back porch

2011-08-24T21:39:00.009-04:00

We have recently begun eating dinner and sometimes breakfast on the back porch. It's a refreshing change of scene and so easy to clean up for some reason. I'm wondering why we haven't done this all summer, I can only think that the heat kept us trapped indoors and the weather this week has been amazing.

Luke has also discovered fishing. He calls himself "a fisherman who comes home every night to sleep." I guess that means as opposed to one who goes out to sea for days on end? He spends nearly every morning "practicing casting" into the kiddie pool so that he "can be good at it like Jimmer."

In other news John and I partied like it was 2003 last Friday night. We began our big date night on the back porch of Hattie's before we tramped through Peabodies, Desperate Annie's, The Bullpen for darts, and ended up watching all manner of debauchery at Gaffney's. It was such a great night out with friends, a sweet taste of our early days that left us appreciating and reveling in all that we have today.

Also, John is trying his hand at growing a beard. I like it. A friend of his said, "I could out-beard John but I clearly could never out-moustache him." True, very true. And hilarious!

Sorry for the crappy iPhone pics once again.

Life lessons

2011-08-16T09:22:00.007-04:00

Have you ever been so disappointed in the actions of someone but knew that confronting it would do no good? John and I are trying to raise our kids to be kind and generous to say please and thank you, to hold hands in parking lots and to know when something is worth fighting for. We want them to grow up to be functional adults who talk it out rather than have a major temper tantrum (yes, I realize there is an age in which this is appropriate, two year olds don't really talk it out yet!). However, temper tantrums do no good for anyone. Just like it takes more muscles to frown than to smile it takes more energy to be mad when you don't get your way.

So, kids, here's a lesson for you, it's always best to be the better person, take the higher road, kill them with kindness. Remember the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would want done to you. Don't make others feel small to make yourself feel better. Let go of the hate and the grudge and walk tall with confidence in yourself and your actions.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything."

Summer 2011 in pictures

2011-08-15T21:08:00.017-04:00

We've done a lot this summer, from New York City to Maine and then Boston. We also took lots of trips to Lake George, Crandall Park, the Spa State Park, and spent a a few great days swimming in our friends pool. We also made it to the Saratoga Springs Racetrack at dawn on a Friday morning to watch the horses workout in the glow of a beautiful sunrise. We chose to release the kids from scheduled afternoon naps as that has resulted in difficult bedtimes and in the end it has afforded us the luxury of a great summer.Enjoy the view!

We spent a full day at our friend's family camp in Ticonderoga at the tip of Lake George. Luke learned to really swim in the Lake, jumped off the boat into the open water with minimal fear, and soaked up every moment of fun. Ellie warmed up to the idea of lake water and also jumped right in to John's arms off the boat. We also took the kids on the Minne-Ha-Ha, John remarked, "why do I feel like I'm on a ride at the Great Escape right now?" So true as you experience it through adult eyes.

Ticonderoga:

Minne-Ha-Ha

When John and I lived in downtown Saratoga he made me wake up super early one random weekday and dragged me to the track at about 6am to see the horses workout at sunrise. I didn't really know what to expect but once we were there I was blown away at the beauty of it. There was fog that was just rolling out at the sun was rising and all we could hear was the whoosing of the horses hitting the dirt track. It was romantic, unexpected and just a really perfect memory. John grew up at the track and knows the ins and outs of how it works behind the scenes. We decided since the kids are up early anyway we would take them for an early morning surprise. It was just as magical as that first time. A completely wonderful way to start a Friday.

We rediscovered Crandall Park on a random Saturday with Gramma Center. We saw huge fish, small fish, ducks, swans and almost saw a few turtles before they jumped in the water upon hearing us gasp at the sight of them.

Grandma Jane, Aunt Hannah, Leo and Jack adventured with us through the Spa State Park. It delighted us with it's geysers, bridges, waterfalls, and walking paths. We even saw a blue heron trying to fish for his lunch.

Random picnic at the library.

We're all a little exhausted from our action-packed weekends!

Also Luke had the tube in his left ear extracted as it was stuck in a huge mess of hard nasty wax. Possibly this is why he seemed to not be able to listen for awhile.

So that we don't forget

2011-08-15T20:53:00.002-04:00

Every night I sing the kids two songs: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and Hush Little Baby, which I change to Hush Little Luke/Ellie. Ellie sings along with me and this is how it goes:

Me: Hush little Ellie, don't say a word.
Her: I NOT sayin a word!

Me: Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
Her: You not buy me dat?!

Me: And if that mocking bird doesn't sing, mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
Her: You not buyin me a diamon ring?!

It is hilarious to sing along to. Luke on the other hand pretty much instantly passes out at the beginning of Twinkle, Twinkle.

Mainely speaking

2011-07-23T20:32:00.015-04:00

I grew up spending a week on the southern coast of Maine for nearly ever summer since I was about 7 years old. The memories of entire days spent on the beach with evenings full of restaurants and exploring the coastal towns of York, Ogunquit, Kennebunkport and long evening trips to LL Bean. As kids we thought it was just insanely cool that LL Bean was open 24 hours. Returning to these somewhat hallowed grounds with my mom and my family proved nothing short of magical*.

Wells Beach

Welcome to Twinkle By The Sea

Our first walk to see the beach**

Making memories with Gamma

Inside the Scoop Deck

Memory making

The flip-side of the magic is that we were all honestly sleep deprived as the kids were up at 5:30am everyday and anytime we got in the car to go somewhere they would fall asleep, rendering our exploring to a minimum. Regardless, we managed to do a lot in our week. We saw Cars 2 which had Luke on the edge of his seat and me sord of in shock at the violence of it, John and Ellie took a nap.

We built sandcastles, boogie boarded and searched for crabs with my brother and his family.

As all the kids played together creating their canal-moat-boat launch, Ellie looked at my mom and said, "you wanna take pictures of your kids?"

Luke filled up on fish and chips and tried lobster for the first time. He is a fan to say the least. On our first Monday back home I told him we would be having chicken and broccoli for dinner and his response was, "well but Mom, that's not lobster!?"

This is him showing a kid he just met on the beach his take out container of lobster claws. The kid thought we found them on the beach. The lobster claws are still living in our fridge.

We went to the beach everyday.

We did make it to Kennebunkport.

Saw them making taffy in York and walked the Marginal Way in Ogunquit. We took two trolley rides and watched a lot of Disney cartoons.

Waiting for a trolley, Ellie fell asleep.

The Marginal Way

On another trolley ride, Luke fell asleep.

John and I spent an evening in York at Fun-O-Rama playing duck pin bowling and we both agreed it all kind of felt like a summer love first date.

Another date was had at Federal Jacks for a beer sampler and some mussels. After I boasted about how I was going to jog everyday, we only actually went twice. Still it's better than not going at all.

Fun times

Proof

The outdoor shower

Luke pointing to the back spiral staircase that he walked up all by himself, unbeknownst to us.

Our last morning and we found a surprise from cousin Jake on the front porch.

Thanks Jake for the Ugly Dolls!

*I would be lying if I didn't tell you that by Thursday John and I were both a little on edge, missing the routine of home and feeling as if the kids were running the entire vacation. My mom is pretty saintly for enduring our dual tantrum that kind of lasted into Friday. In the car one evening I told John we should listen to the country song, "You're gonna miss this." My mom laughed and I told Luke I was sorry for being grumpy. He looked at me and said, "You still love me though, right mom?" Perfect timing.

**Also just so that we never forget this, Luke gagged at the smell of the ocean and the first night we brought him to the beach he threw up his dinner. I found myself yelling, "this is vacation and we are going to have fun (god dammit!)"

Contrast

2011-07-22T23:36:00.000-04:00

It was hot today. Too hot for a cardigan cover up so I owned my ridiculous tan lines at work and dreamed about where we were last week. Even though it was sleep deprived it was gorgeous. Proper post to come.

2:16

2011-07-07T20:54:00.005-04:00

I had a doctor's appointment today and they weighed me. I was prepared and yet I wasn't. I haven't weighed myself in months, probably 6 months or more. I've waffled and hemmed and hawed about getting myself back to where I was pre-kids. I am not beating myself up for this, I've been there done that, far too many times. I ran on the treadmill tonight. I ran hard and exhausted myself and when I was done I felt amazing. This is the feeling I need to hang on to. The dripping sweat, racing heart, adrenaline rush is what needs to fuel my soul.

Life is but a dream

2011-07-05T20:56:00.001-04:00

My current obsessions include:

The TV show Blue Bloods. Tom Selleck, even with this unnaturally black hair/eyebrows/stash reminds me of a hipper version of my dad. Not to be overshadowed by Magnum, Donny Wahlberg was my middle school crush, as in my bedroom was wall to wall NKOTB with a flair for all things Donny. Now he's all grown up and plays such an honorable man. It's not just a cop show, it's about family and doing the right thing with Manhattan as the background. I am hooked. Also I want to be invited for Sunday dinner at the Reagan house.

This site has me swooning and daydreaming for days on end of country picnics and summer date nights. I need to be thinner so that I can wear more of their stuff. Nice goal right? Nothing says motivation like "our belts fit best with 26" waists". After weeks of stalking their site I finally placed an order after I got over the fact that they consider my size to be "curvy plus-size". *sigh*

Ellie calls her eyebrows "rainbows" and I cannot get enough of that. She also likes to sing Row, Row, Row, Your Boat non-stop. I am crushing on how she says "mer-wi-wee" for merrily.

Luke can't wait to go on vacation, he says he's most looking forward to living in a beach house. Me too!

Father's Day weekend in Boston

2011-06-28T22:14:00.006-04:00

For Father's Day we headed to Boston to spend some time with John's childhood friend and his wife. We planned to take the kids to the aquarium as Ellie has a thing for fish and Luke wants to know more about his good friend walrus, and the seals and sharks.

The Bruins parade was of course happening the same day, and as we got to the T station everyone and their brother was coming back. We were greeted with wild fanfare like, "we won the cup" and all manner of hooting and hollering. Thankfully our timing was good and we swiftly we made it through the crowds to the train.

Luke loved the ride.

After an emergency potty trip and a long walk through the crowds we made our way to the aquarium. The first stop was the penguins and then we corkscrewed up the inner giant tank to see scuba divers, lots of fish and Myrtle the Sea Turtle. Myrtle pretty much is the queen of the tank.

Then we saw the jelly fish which were just mesmerizing.

Luke was able to pet a sting ray, but actually he grabbed its fin. Ack! Thankfully there were no repercussions.

Afterwards both kids bought a sting ray, walrus was in a need of a pal and a confidant afterall.

Then we braved our way back to the Alewife train station, and Luke became Kevin's new bff.

Fish and chips dinner was had at the Summer Shack.

We tried to get a picture in the T but Luke didn't really want any of that because, you know, there is no T in his name. Four year olds have their own mindset.

And then the next morning we headed back home with our sting rays in tow.

Memorial Day Parade

2011-06-28T22:04:00.002-04:00

Okay so I'm pretty backed-up with pictures and posts of what we've been up to. Luke's first Memorial Day parade did not go over that well, he was afraid of the massive trucks and loud music but last year he warmed up to the whole idea. Seeing fire trucks and ambulances up close and personal, not to mention his big cousin marching with a saxophone is really exciting stuff.

Nearly everyday we drive down this stretch of Glen Street and he points out where we sat to watch the parade and all the things we saw. This small town is so precious, the memories we're making of simple moments are helping to shape a lifetime of pride.

And this guy, driving this old truck is the same man that drove us in his old Model T on our wedding day.

Cousins hanging on the curb.

GF Nation

Father to son

2011-06-28T21:38:00.003-04:00

This picture reminds me of...

this one, taken almost 4 years earlier.

Lots of father-son talks and laughs have happened so far, so many more to be had.

Everyone's your friend in New York City

2011-06-28T21:12:00.009-04:00

John's brother Timothy came to visit from Seattle in late May. We hadn't seen him since our wedding which was 6 years ago. He has two boys, one who was born a few months before Luke. We had a big family party to welcome him home and he doled out Seattle t-shirts to all of his nephews and spared one little lady shirt for Ellie, the lone girl in the sea of boys.

He showed Jack and Luke pictures of their cousins Milo and Liam and the things they do around Seattle, like the bubblegum wall. They thought that was hilarious, I thought it was kind of nasty.

He read Luke bedtimes stories and they bunked together for two nights.

We took the train to NYC with him for a quick day trip as he was leaving for home via Newark airport.

We strolled through the High Line and marveled at the green space that literally hovers over the city.

We ate lunch at John's Pizzeria on Bleeker Street. This here is their "money shot". Two peas in a pod, these two.

We high-tailed it back to Penn Station in a crazy cab ride. Luke was both terrified and thrilled by the whole thing.

And then it was time for the good-byes. There were some tears, big hugs and wishes for less time between visits.

Then we contemplated a subway ride but were about to meet-up with an old friend and former roommate of mine so we opted out of that and just as we were heading to meet her, Luke fell asleep.

It was a successful trip for sure, but Luke has told us that he much prefers Glens Falls to New York City. Although he does know all of the words to the song. Thanks for enjoying the ride with us L-Train.

Proud mama

2011-06-14T21:24:00.004-04:00

In the morning I bring Ellie to the sitter, we have about 10 minutes of alone time, just the two of us. We blow kisses to the house and talk about all the "red cars" we see on the road. We recently became a two car family (woot woot!) and our "new" used car is red, so now every red car she sees she yells, "nother one red car Mom!"

In the afternoon I pick up Luke first from school and then we get Ellie from the sitter. With him I have about 20-30 minutes of alone time, we pack up his things from his locker, go potty, say goodnight to all of his friends and then drive to the sitter to get Elle. Yesterday as we got in the car he said, "how was your day Mom?" I told him how I was working on some things for the coffee shop and then he got a little sidetracked and told me something about one of his classmates. A few minutes later he said, "Mawmmmm, please will you tell me something about your day and your work?"

Seriously, I love this kid.

Mind-reader?

2011-06-14T15:54:00.003-04:00

Has this happened to you? You're giving your kids a bath, playing in the water with them but thinking to yourself about how you need to get to the gym, or why didn't you get up early and run on the treadmill like you swore you would the night before...and then all of a sudden your almost 4 year old looks at you and says, "Mom, we need to build a gym to attach in to the house for you. Right mom? Then you won't have to go to workout class, you can have it in our house. RIGHT HERE FOR YOU." He proceeds to smile from ear to ear with his hands illustrating the "right here" part so proud of himself for thinking this up.

Then I think, wait, was I talking out loud to myself? How does he know what I was thinking? So I ask him and he just smiles and says, "Mom, we need to get you a workout place in our home for you, right mom?"

Is this normal or is my kid clairvoyant?

Jack Stevens

2011-06-12T20:28:00.009-04:00

Six years ago today we lost my father-in-law to esophageal cancer. He died on his daughter Kim's second wedding anniversary, almost a month before our wedding and a week before Father's Day. My brother took John out for a drink the night of his death, a rite of passage as a new member of the club if you will.

Jack Stevens was a dapper man, a pillar of Saratoga Springs, a legend. He played a bartender in the movie, My Old Man, which was set in Saratoga Springs in 1979. For seven years his father, "Big Lew", was in long-term care and Jack visited him every day. Every day. According to John, when they went on vacation he would hire a friend to bring him the paper and talk with him for no less than 30 minutes. That is loyalty and compassion. I only knew him for two short years and after my father died I was comforted in knowing that I was about to have a father-in-law to guide us through big decisions and hold our newborn babies.

We shared stories on Facebook tonight and this is what has ensued:

Hannah Stevens Christopher ‎:) Let's share nice/funny memories of Dad. I'll start. I went "the lake way" home tonight (6/12/11) in memory of him. He would always suggest this way and say it was the best, most direct route. He would even remind us which roads to take!!! That part used to crack me up. Like I didn't know the way home:)

Jane Oh Hannah, thanks for sharing that--means so much!

Amy I remember him sitting in the old kitchen at the table and as John and I were leaving I rubbed his bald head! We both were kind of surprised, I don't know what prompted me to do that but I was sooo embarrassed, he just awkwardly smiled at me. Ha!!!

Hannah I loved that old kitchen. Remember his pile of papers used to be so neat and organized?

Hannah I hope John has a nice/funny memory to share.

John I loved his stories. His friends stopped into the Colonial Tavern to have a beer while dad hid in the car. The friends talked to Grandma Blanch and told her that Jack was up at school studying and it was too bad that he couldn't come on the trip to Indiana to to see his school in the basketball finals.

Hannah Hahaha! I never heard that one!!!!! I believe it though;)

John He also had his friends answer the pay phone in his hall way to say, "Jack's in the library studying Mrs Stevens." When he really was on the trip to Indiana.

John I always like his Polo Grounds story with Leo Quinn. Dad was like 11 or 12 and fell asleep during a NY Giants (baseball) game. Dad loved baseball. Leo not so much, but dad fell asleep and missed a game-winning home run. He also always bragged about riding the subway from Rockaway Beach to the Polo Grounds at such a young age. They stayed with Leo's aunt.

Hannah Never heard those either. You really need to think of more and share away:) I always liked the Race Track stories from the summers he worked there.

John How about working at the Gaslight? He said wives would call looking for their husbands and they would ask dad to lie for them. He never would. He would hand them the phone and make them deal with their situation.

John How about driving by the West Side Field. He always said the same thing, "That's where I struck out 16 Greenwich Witches. I really had my curve ball going that day." Then I would ask him, "Did you ever get any hits dad?" And he would s...ay, " I had a double my first game of the season that hit the back fence on one hop, but I only had a few singles the whole rest of the season." He was only slightly disappointed by his hitting but was always really proud of his pitching!!

He would have loved the string of grandchildren that have come along and they would have loved him. RIP Jack, you are missed.

Magic

2011-06-08T14:27:00.009-04:00

The night John told me he loved me was only three days after my father had died and two weeks into knowing each other. We were parting ways in the parking lot of my apartment building in Saratoga, he was in his car and I was in mine, as I put the car in drive he swung his car around so that we were facing each other in opposite directions. His car was playing Magic by Ben Folds, and as the words of love and loss hung in the air he said something about not wanting to leave me. Ever. We were crying and laughing at the craziness of what was happening before us and then he said it. Whenever I hear that song it brings me right back to Regent Street in Saratoga Springs.

We went on a hike Saturday and while it was quick it wasn't easy, we were both like, um, what? Really, are we that out of shape? It was steep and rocky but we loved it and the view was unbelievable. There was a little gazebo at the summit and as we gazed at the view I grabbed my iPhone and said, "we should dance up here!"

Magic. It was the first song on the playlist.

You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath that blows these cool winds 'round

Fish and chips in the park

2011-06-03T21:44:00.009-04:00

Luke loves Thomas the Train and coincidentally Thomas and Friends love to eat fish and chips. Thus Luke also craves fish and chips. He's also pretty much BFFs with his walrus who he believes "lives in the cold world and eats fish too!" He asks daily if we can have fish and chips for dinner and at first I thought, um, he will never eat this and then on a whim (with the plan for John to actually be the one to eat it) we ordered it for him and he devoured it.

Tonight we indulged his wish and ordered ourselves up some meals from Adirondack Seafood Co. However, he didn't want to just eat it at home or at the restaurant, he wanted to have a picnic in the park. And so we did.

We found the perfect spot in the grass and as we sat down on our blanket Luke declared, "this is just the best spot for a picnic. I suppose. Right Mom?"

Oh I suppose Luke. It was perfect.

He shared his fish with Ellie who really would rather not venture there, she was happy with her leftover mac-n-cheese and applesauce.

We walked across the bridges and around the pond. We even went to the playground.

It was monumentally epic in the eyes of my Luke.

38 minutes

2011-05-22T23:09:00.009-04:00

We were standing amongst 50 or so people, most of them in running gear, athletic and fit, smiling at the sunshine and getting amped up as U2's It's a Beautiful Day pulsed through the air. I knew more than half of the faces, some of them veteran St. Mary's families, and some of them through Luke's pre-school class. I offered to go get our race numbers and get us registered while John stayed with the kids. As I walked down the stairs to the flurry of activity the tears started to well up in my eyes.

I am here. I am about to run a 5K. Me. I have always and forever hated running. Hated it. It is not fun to me. But I want to love it.

My dad used to jog all the time. He called me his "pacer", I'd ride my bike along side him during his jogging route, which coincidentally was pretty much the route of this race. He had bad knees and I don't think jogging was really his thing, but he was in the military and it was part of the deal so he stuck with it.

I brushed off the tears long enough to get our numbers, we registered soon after hearing they were doing a 5K, so our race numbers were 2 and 3. I grabbed our bags and headed back outside to John where I choked up again. He kissed me and said, "just do your best, don't worry if you walk part of it, the idea is that you're here."

And then we were off.

John kept pace with the front group of runners, I was with him for all of 3 minutes before my pace clearly was slower. We ran entirely through my families stomping grounds, past the street I grew up on, along the bike trail that was once a railroad where my neighborhood friends and I would leave pennies for the trains to flatten (kids, do not do this please!). I let the sun shine on my face as my thighs burned and my shins felt as if they were being stabbed by some evil monster. I walked, I ran, I walked, I jogged, I walked. I joked at the water table that this was so much harder than the treadmill.

My mom watched as I ran past our street again, she cheered as I thanked her and told her I was going to die. I walked. I jogged. No one was in front of me and I was afraid to see if or who was behind me. I was 4 streets away when I passed the neighborhood watering hole complete with an outdoor band who cheered me on, "go, go, go, go!" I kept running. Smiling through the fear of wanting to throw up.

I rounded the corner of Church Street and was greeted with clapping and cheering as I saw my family on the sidelines. John was smiling so big and as I passed him I heard him say, "you did it! Yeah!" And then I heard "here's Amy Stevens with a time of..." as ran through the finish line.

Amazing.

Ellie wanted me to hold her immediately as I tried to catch my breath and Luke said, "hey, mama, where you been?" All I could do was laugh and kiss his honest to goodness sweet little face.

The finish line has created an addiction. I can't wait for the next race, the next runners high, the next best time.

And I would like to congratulate my husband for finishing with a time of 26 minutes. Sweet awesomeness.

Mother's Day

2011-05-22T22:37:00.004-04:00

So I ran my first 5K and it was incredible but before I get to that I need to backtrack and write about Mother's Day because it's overdue, past-date, and necessary.

My mom is due for her time in the sun here in my little blogosphere, she's lived for a long time in the shadow of my father's death. I admit this is unfair and I feel guilty for not writing this out appropriately and timely, on Mother's Day.

We have lived a bit of a tumultuous relationship, the push and pull of mother/daughter has always been a part of us and my father was the anchor that found the middle-ground (see, I snuck him in here already!). He would tell me, "be nice to your mother" and in turn to her would say, "Hey Mar, let her be" when the two of us would hit a rough patch. Without him it's been a little unsettling in many ways. I still hear him whispering in my ear. In the end though, she is my mom. My mother. She knows immediately when something is wrong, she knows my voice, my tone. She loves my kids as if they actually are her own and they love her back.

I want nothing more than for her to be happy in life. To find her way, her self, her normal. I thank God nearly every day for the total unconditional love that I was raised with. It is in a way an out of body experience when I hear myself talking to my kids as she talked to me, her sayings and mannerisms. I am her in many ways.

The future that I pictured for myself (marriage, kids, full sets of grandparents to visit and love on, the ideal situation) has been likened to an unfinished painting that has been restretched and repainted. The future will never be the past, but the reality is that time is ticking and there isn't enough of it to waste.

I will pick my mom up tomorrow morning at 6:15 and take her with me to strength training class. I won't be all that awake to conversate and such but she knows that and nothing is expected. Thank you mom for loving me through thick and thin, from Pennsylvania to New York and back, through weddings and funerals and the birth of babies. You are loved, you are cherished and your Sponge Bob Squarepants eating grandson thinks you hung the moon.

Easter

2011-04-25T21:12:00.008-04:00

We once again broke bread with our neighbors, family and beloved friends.

We wrestled Uncle Tom.

We went to church all dressed up and the kids quietly sat through mass, save for the moment I turned around and Luke (he is going to kill me for telling this someday) was sprawled out on the pew with his hands in his pants which resulted in a quick trip to the potty.

We colored eggs and made Gram LaSarso's famous lemon meringue pie.

We left carrots on the porch for the Easter bunny and in the morning we found that he had chewed them up!

We hunted for 16 Easter eggs hidden around Grandma's house.

We ate a savory meal, discussing small town gossip and the like.

We blew bubbles on Grandma's porch and watched the red-breasted robins dart about the yard and stood in awe as the house across the street had dirt dumped on their front lawn. Seriously. Luke was in heaven. It's the little things after all.

I tried to explain why we celebrate Easter and got as far as, "Jesus rose from the..." and decided we have a few more years before we need to venture there.

It was renewing and sweet to meld the old traditions of my childhood with the ones we are creating for our children, dump trucks and all.

Winter's thaw

2011-04-25T20:43:00.005-04:00

The last few weeks we have had sick kids...

There was strep throat that rendered Luke unable to get out of bed for two days, resulting in a fever of 103.9 and a trip to the Urgent Care Clinic.

Ellie was blessed with yet another double ear infection.

Last week we had her first visit with the allergist and she was tested with a skin prick test all over her tiny back which resulted in her being allergic to nothing. Which obviously was a relief but also left us with no plan really. If she continues to get ear infections or requires the nebulizer we'll have to get an immunoglobulin blood test and then move on from there. Hopefully it was just a result of a long harsh winter.

Thankfully as of right now we're happy and healthy and on a random note, we're obsessed with this book. It makes John and I tear up every time we read it. I was not prepared for the 9/11 topic but it's beautifully done.

Here's to good days ahead!

You can take all the tea in China

2011-04-02T12:51:00.005-04:00

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail right around the seven oceans
Drop it straight into the deep blue sea
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

I heard the doctor say, "Who wants to bet how much she weighs?" And in realtime Ellie looked me in the eye and said, "good job mom, good job."

You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see

John slipped his arms around me and I remembered how a few days ago I wanted (for a brief moment) to run away from all of this. I heard Luke tell me, "I wish every day was a family day mom."

Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry

I saw my parents renewing their vows at their surprise 30th wedding anniversary party.

She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

I remembered our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. John surprised me by getting the keys to our new house almost 2 months before we actually closed on it and we had our first meal sitting on lawn chairs in our future living room and drinking champagne, talking about how one day we'd have a toddler walking about the house.

You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't stop us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor intent on chivalry
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

The tears flooded my cheeks and covered the shoulder of John's shirt as Luke kissed my legs and Ellie danced to the musings of Van Morrison, she declared, "be happy!"

I am so happy, so blessed, and so loved.

You know she's alright
You know she's alright with me
She's alright, she's alright (she's an angel)

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail it right around the seven oceans

Crying it out

2011-03-31T20:34:00.005-04:00

Warning: annoying venty post about the realities of screaming 2 year olds.
The car ride to work this morning was ripe with screams of two year old terror. Lots of it. Luke tried to help ease Ellie's frustration as best he could and nothing I did was anything she wanted. She wanted her dad and he was driving. She screamed and I yelled. I opened the window to try to muffle her and hoped the fresh air would bring her back to reality. It didn't work. The screaming was carried over from the night before and I had really reached my breaking point. The more she screamed the more I yelled and vice versa. Luke just looked at us both with eyes as wide as saucers in confusion as to what was unfolding before him. I told John to drop me off at the coffee shop rather than work, I needed to collect myself with a good cup of joe before my day really began. I looked at the kids and just said goodbye, I didn't blow them kisses or tell them I'd pick them up at the end of the day. I just slammed the door in their faces and walked away. John yelled, "I love you!" out his window and I just raised my hand in the air, barely acknowledging him.

Honestly I wanted to just run away. The previous night Luke threw up in the tub because the water wasn't warm enough. Seriously. And Ellie created this demand with John the second he got home that had both kids vying for his attention and both of them looking at me and yelling, "No mom, I want dad, not you. Go away mom." There were so many tears. Ellie went to bed without any books and cried herself to sleep, at one point she asked for her trains, and feeling guilty I brought them in to her but she threw them at me and yelled, "Get out Mom. I want Dad!" To be clear, this scenario has been happening day and night for the past week or so.

Tonight we came home to a toy riddled living room, do you know what it's like to walk into your house and be hit with nothing but visual chaos from the moment you cross the threshold? It stresses me out. I made them dinner, Luke asked that we turn the tv off so that we could talk during dinner, because he knows that I like that best. Swoon, score! He said grace as we held hands and I nearly melted, with him as my anchor. Bathtime went relatively smoothly and just as I was getting Ellie into her favorite pajamas John was home. She wanted him of course and was just done with me but we had a plan and we backed each other up. Normally he would come running in literally saying to her, "oh sweety darling, are you okay?" But tonight we put her in time out and then I wrestled her into her pjs, I felt as if I was going to break her arm she fought me tooth and nail, literally. I decided we were going for a walk. We left the house, she in only a pj top and a pull-up and me in a tshirt and sweatpants. She cried for her dad. I told her the more she cried the farther we were going to walk. Half way down the street (we were on the sidewalk obviously, just so you know) she pulled herself together and as a car came flying down the road she whimpered out, "please don't put me in street mom". Pretty melodramatic for a 2 year old, right? She said "sorry mom" through her hyperventilating tears of mass destruction and I felt a small piece of victory granted to myself and wondered why I had waited so long to take control. We walked back home, I finished dressing her and she just clung to me like a koala bear for the next 5 minutes.

I know this is normal two year old behavior. I know that we will be tested daily in some way or another as parents. I know that I am in control but there are a lot of times where I don't feel in control and feel overwhelmed with what is on my plate. I wonder, if we only had a bigger house with a play room that would solve the cluttered toy problem, or if we had two cars John would get home earlier, or if I worked part-time our weekends wouldn't be all about errands and cleaning, or if we had a mudroom all of the bags and coats and boots and shoes would have a better place to live...and maybe all of those things would help but those things aren't what make a family.

Also, we haven't had a vacation since last May and we're supposed to get 8-12 inches of snow tonight, cabin fever is at an all-time high. I am Debbie Downer in search of spring laughter.

Winter undoldrums

2011-03-13T21:17:00.004-04:00

We started the weekend with Luke waking up Ellie from her Friday afternoon nap. Cuteness ensued.

Saturday we ventured to Target in the evening for a little fun. Luke fell asleep on the way there and Ellie wasn't far behind. It was a bit like the blind leading the blind.

On Sunday after an hour of grocery shopping I asked Luke some sort of Yes/No question as I put him in the car. His response to me was plain as day, "Mom, does a bear go potty in the woods?" Ummm, my mouth dropped open. Where did he hear this? He laughed at me and I just busted out laughing at him and then he said, "tonight is going to be a silly night Mama." Oh dear.

He was right, it was a silly night. He broke out the Wii and got into a down and dirty boxing match with John. They moved on to bowling after Luke's turtleneck wearing had him in a full body sweat. Ellie played at their feet with her dolls and B as John kept yelling to Luke to "press B" as in the button on the controller, which caused Ellie to yell at him, "I got B! I got B! I got B!"

Crazy, silly times.

Also, our real camera is on the fritz if you can't tell:)

40 days

2011-03-08T20:54:00.011-05:00

Tomorrow begins the season of Lent. I'm kind of exhausted with the fakeness that is life sometimes and the judgements that are thrown around will-nilly as seemingly commonplace attitudes. I am not saying I am above that, because well, Lord knows (pun intended) I've done my share of bitching and judging.

For the next 40 days rather than just give up some ice cream I am going to do my best to better myself and my own attitude. I know we're all human and no one is perfect but rather than focus on the negative and the things that are just seriously out of my own control I am going to try my hardest to be a better person and rise above the noise.

Also mostly unrelated but still within the "what am I going to do for Lent thing" I selfishly vow to record more videos of Ellie and Luke. They are killing me with their cuteness and before we know it those moments will be distant memories like this one:

Do you see him on his tippy toes?! Seems like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time which makes this whole "live with intention and let go of whatever is beyond you" all the more powerful.

B is her BFF

2011-03-06T20:16:00.006-05:00

Ellie loves her B. It goes everywhere with her, just like the book. B has a life of her own, so far Ellie has told us the following about B: "B's catchin' butterflies", "B's sad", "shhhh! B takin a nap", "B awake!", "B NOT in the wash", "B happy". She reminds me often that B is NOT in the wash and looks at me like, "don't you even think about it woman." She puts B in her dolly stroller and walks her around the house, she eats her meals with B draped over the back of her chair, and of course they sleep together.

Tonight she threw B a birthday party with her dollhouse in attendance.

She sang songs with B.

She hugged B when the party ended.

The two are really tight. I swear she's installed a tracking device on B.

B kind of smells like wet dog. It's rank, and the emotional roller coaster of giving B a "bath" is enough to put us all on Xanax. I try to sneak B off to the basement for a wash without her knowledge and sometimes it works but lately she is not having it.

Thank you Facebook

2011-03-03T22:09:00.003-05:00

But I like YOU mom

2011-03-03T21:55:00.004-05:00

Random, non-sensical mom moment.

John and I have a double date tomorrow night with our best "couple" friends. The plan is to have my nephew babysit, he's pretty much a hero in Luke's eyes and so far we've yet to have any issues when he watches our kids. After school today I was telling Luke that Jake was going to come over tomorrow night and this ensued:

Luke: But Mawm, I want you and dad. I don't want you to go out.

Me: But Luke, you have so much fun with Jacob. I'll be home for dinner and then we'll have bathtime and get ready for bed. You like when he comes over to play.

Luke: But Mawm. I like YOU. I want you and dad to put me to bed.

Me: waxes euphoric on the need for mom and dad to have time away from home with our friends. Pretty much think he heard the lady from Peanuts. What wah wah wah.

Luke: Today in school we didn't go to the gym Mawm. And I didn't eat my snack. I need a drink Mawm. Where's my Matchbox car? Are we going to pick up dad? What's for dinner tonight? Can we have Panera Bread soup?

Game over.

Dear Dad,

2011-03-02T20:16:00.010-05:00

A copy of this picture hangs in my office.

Ellie has been going around out of the blue telling people, "I have Papa's eyes." Luke asked if we could have Villa's bread with dinner tonight. Mom talks about you to the kids on Fridays, guess it's sinking in.

Your CBMU 202 coin lives on a little shelf in our kitchen. The kids call it "Papa's coin", they like to look at it at least once a week and give it a kiss. Did you know that Tom held it in his hand as he walked me down the aisle? See how tight his hand is? It felt as if we stood in the vestibule crying together for 5 minutes before we took that walk. I was strong and prepared to walk tall until I saw him and the tears and the coin in the palm of his hand.

Thanks for showing us how to be honorable people and to pursue our dreams through hard work and perseverance. You lived with integrity. You were first-rate. You clearly made it seem as though you were honored to be our father and her husband. Life with you included an air of positivity and pushing your limits to better yourself, ignoring the negativity of others and not letting "them" drag you down. Failure for you meant a time of growth. Thank you for instilling us with these values and the example of the give and take of a good marriage. Mom certainly gets the gold star medal of valor for being your wife and supporting all of your public roles. The two of you were dynamic.

And He will raise you up on eagles' wings

Bear you on the breath of dawn

Make you to shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand.

Trying to keep the faith with gutters full of rain

2011-02-22T20:06:00.010-05:00

These past few weeks have really rocked my boat. My church has been through a horrific scandal, my kids have been non-stop sick (nebulizers, recurrent ear infections, strep throat, stomach flu), John ended up with an infection, and then received a promotion at work (something positive!). The church thing has stung and left me angry. I keep talking about it at home and wanting to know what others think and asking my mom what her friends think. I mean I realize this is sadly only one of many scandals and while I have known that there were wrongdoings in the Catholic church all along when it slaps you across the face it shakes your foundation. I couldn't sleep the other night and I came to the conclusion that that's just it, my foundation has indeed been shaken. In the last eight years I lost my father, my future father-in-law, and my grandmother.

Now a truck is parked in my mother's driveway and it's not my father's.

I will never spend a holiday crammed into my grandmother's house with all of my cousins again.

A priest I knew did horrible things to kids my age, and our Bishop knew this was happening yet did nothing to stop it. I know I can't categorize every priest into this category, there are good ones out there, doing honorable things but I feel as if my faith was stolen. My father was President of the Parish Council when I was little and I remember spending many evenings after school at the rectory with him. He would tend to whatever council business he had to do and I would watch reruns of MASH in one of the priests bedrooms (no the priest wasn't in the room with me), or watch the housekeeper as she prepared dinner. I was free to roam about, sometimes hiding on the plush carpeted stairs or hypothesizing if the giant red velvet chairs that were roped off were there for some future Papal visit.

I grew up in this church, I was baptized and married here.

I wore my mother's First Communion gown for my First Communion.

My grandmother helped to put her kids through Catholic school by making and selling her spaghetti sauce to Sam's Diner on Dix Avenue as well as to local affluent doctors. My son goes to that very same school today.

I know what you're thinking: Amy, you're 34 years old, people die and priests are flawed humans like the rest of us. Move on with your life. I know this. I know it's time to make new traditions, to find our own way as the Stevens family. The constants of my life are evolving as is my role in all of it.

My dad always said, "keep the faith." The one thing I have realized through all of this is that while the institution of the Catholic church may be corrupt, the community of people that I grew up with is the foundation that grounds me.

David Gray: Gutters Full of Rain

A gutter full of rain
An empty picture frame
A house out at the edges of the city
Never noticing the war
Til it's right there at your door
And suddenly your hands are bloody

Let it go now
Let it all slip away
And we'll start it all over again
Me like a million others before
Trying to make sense of the rain

Were these twenty years a dream
Was it ever as it seemed
Get to wonder if it really existed
Cause the thief who stole my life
Has taken too my faith
I can see now how the world gets
Twisted

In spite of all the shame
Sometimes I hear your name
I think of us when we were younger
Then I'm shutting out the noise
And I'm trying to hear the voice
That used to tell me love was
Stronger

Ellie "Harry Potter" Grace

2011-02-08T20:26:00.005-05:00

I mean really, life can't get any better than this.

She woke up from her nap on Sunday and when I went in to get her I found him in her crib.

All because two people fell in love

2011-02-04T14:17:00.007-05:00

Oh Brad Paisley you've undone me again.
A baby's born in the middle of the night in the local delivery room;They grab his feet, smack him till he cries, he goes home the next afternoon. Before you know it he's off to school, and then he graduates in May; Goes out and gets a Ph.D. and then cures all sorts of things. Wins the Nobel Prize and saves a million different lives; The world's a better place for all he's done.

It's funny when you think about the reason he's alive
Is all because two people fell in love.

Right now at a picnic shelter down by Canyon Creek You'll find potato salad, hot dogs and baked beans. The whole Wilson family's lined up filling their paper plates, And they drove or've flown in here from fifteen different states

Stanley Wilson says that sixty years ago he knew
That Miss Emma Tucker was the one. Now five generations get together every June, All because two people fell in love.

Yeah, there ain't nothing not affected When two hearts get connected All that is, will be, or ever was. Every single choice we make, Every breath we get to take, Is all because two people fell in love.

I'm glad your dad could not resist Your mother's charms, and you exist;
All because two people fell in love.

You know, to me it's all so clear:
Every one of us is here
All because two people fell in love.

Hair of the dog

2011-02-01T21:16:00.005-05:00

Apparently I can't stay away. I was going through the archives and these two just melted my heart. Blessed.

And I cut my hair super short again. It's easy, and as freaked out about how I feel all "facey" with no hair to hide behind, I also just simply love it.

Pet the Dog

2011-01-31T20:52:00.004-05:00

Okay so I'm coming out of my brief hiding because I don't want to forget these moments from today.

"Momma we made Valentime's at school today for to give to my Grandma and Grandpa!!"

The look of pride and excitement on his face was priceless. I on the other hand had to walk into the kitchen to compose my thoughts and hoped he didn't ask where/who his grandpa is.

We've been playing this game at night that the kids "invented" in which John and I are dogs. Yeah, it's great fun, we have to bark and sit and they tell us we're bad dogs and then they feed us imaginary treats. John asked Luke tonight what his name was and Luke said, "Your name is Pet the Dog." We were rolling with laughter, how awesome a name is that. Seriously if we ever get a dog we're naming it Pet the Dog. Is it me, am I weird or is that hilarious?!

Ellie is full of positive reinforcement for everyone. No matter what you do she says, "Good job Mom...Good job Dad...Good job Lukey."

PS John is taking a state exam tomorrow, let's wish him good luck.

Taking a step back

2011-01-28T21:17:00.007-05:00

I've been home all day with a sick Luke. I'm pretty sure he threw up about 8 times in 6 hours. My mom was here in the morning to help keep Ellie entertained, thank God. He asked me to rock him for the better part of the afternoon as his fever spiked, Ellie would dance about his feet and he'd tell her, "please don't bother me right now." The dry-heaving was the worst. All in all I washed every towel we own, every slipcover (7 in all) on the 10 year old Ikea Ektorp sofa, my handmade crocheted blanket was not spared, as were 3 different sets of pjs. Pretty hellacious. We are now wondering who is next or are we in the clear?

So while I spent the day moving from room to room, cycling laundry, fighting an insane amount of loose feathers that fell from every couch cushion (if you're curious Ikea really uses real feathers in their Ektorp cushions), and failing to do any work-while-home-work, I realized it's just time to get back to basics. I have removed the facebook app from my iphone. Gasp. This is huge for me, I'm that quintessential FB oversharer and I think I've hit my quota.

The turning point was that I had put Luke back in his bed, he was passed out asleep and then I heard Ellie coughing and I thought she was throwing up so I went into her room. It was a false alarm with the sick thing but regardless we cuddled and she repeatedly said, "I got mom, I got mom, I got mommy mom mommy." Then we heard a thump and a thud and as we went to check on Luke we found him passed out on my bedroom floor. He woke up and dragged himself to my room for some reason, delirious with sick or something I'm not sure. He was burning up so I held him on the floor in the hallway between our rooms as Ellie played with a toy in the living room just 6 feet from us. He stared at me blankly with flushed red, burning cheeks as I stroked his hair and sang him a song. Then Ellie's toy made a funny noise and for some reason it snapped him out of his blank and listless stare and he smiled at me and laughed. The three of us laughed together and in that moment I knew I was missing out by always having the iphone in the palm of my hand. We sat there on the floor in the hallway for a good 15 minutes, no iphone, no computer, no television, just us.

So I think for awhile I'm also going to sign off on this blog thing and go old-school with this. I think 2011 is going to be about perspective and simplicity. I'm planning to have more hallway laughs than I ever have before.

What we did this weekend

2011-01-16T21:24:00.006-05:00

Okay so truth be told, John had THE surgery this past Thursday. You know the one, the one that involves a bag of frozen peas. So to while away the hours we stopped at Minogues on our way home for some brews and there I saw the fruits of Trampoline's labor, just sitting on the shelf looking pretty. I've seen IPA out and about but I had not yet seen Brown and there it was. Always cool to see things you've designed out in public.

The next morning Luke "called" me on his "phone" to say that his name was Parker, that he was a construction worker and he wanted to go to Minogues. Um, okay. Sorry dude, we went last night without you. So he sat in our bedroom and watched This Old House. Curious, will he be the next Bob Villa?

We sported some Nine shirts as we hung around the house with a recouping daddy.

He said to me, "mama, I have room here, why don't you lay with me?" So I did.

And then he looked out the window longingly and said, "Mama, what should we talk about? Let's talk." And then I melted. He came up with some crazy story about a farm and then we hid under the covers and laughed. Look at that face, how could you not want to cozy up with him? And you can see our new front door right behind him:)

Sunday morning he looked at me and said, "Mawm. Next week I want to marry you." I said, "oh, okay, where are we going to get married?" He said, "the mall!"

Then we went to the mall with Ellie but without Daddy. We did not get married there. We came home, had lunch, Ellie went down for a nap and while John put his feet up we headed out to the backyard to play. Grandma came over and helped us build a hill to slide down. We made snow angels and laughed as I tried to hoist myself down our "hill".

We had hot cocoa and did a puzzle. I made soup and lasagna (it's Luke's favorite thing at the moment). As John was getting Luke into bed he told John he was going to marry me and that Ellie was going to marry him.

A simply perfect weekend.

House Warming

2011-01-12T12:51:00.010-05:00

When I was applying to colleges I thought for certain I was going to major in Interior Design. I always loved decorating, paint colors, fabrics and rearranging furniture. Somehow along the way I was swayed into graphic design which ended up being my chosen major and I've never looked back but a soft spot remains for that love of interiors. Our house, while small and inefficient for a family of four with 1050 square feet has been a labor of love. We redid the floors before we moved in, painted every room in the house, had a new roof put on, a new front window installed and this summer we had the house painted, added an awning, updated all of the exterior doors, and rebuilt the rotting front porch.

Here are the before and afters, we've come along way baby! (please note that most of these photos are of poor quality, not at all styled, and were taken before we had kids hence the sparse nature of the house. The after picture of the outside of the house does not do it justice at all. It's kind of embarrassing as a graphic designer but it's what I have at my disposal right now.)

Before:

After:

Kitchen with the awesome ivy border, non-working stove and well you get the idea.

I painted the cabinets, we bought a new gas stove and put in all new lighting throughout the house.

The living room before:

After with a fresh coat of paint and refinished floors:

It currently looks like this:

Dining room:

The bathroom before:

After with new paint, cabinet and lighting:

In 2011 we plan to update the kitchen and take the bathroom from a rotting, leaky floor to one that looks like this:

Fashion Forward

2011-01-12T12:08:00.005-05:00

My one main resolution for 2011 was to amp up my dress code. I am fortunate enough to work in a relaxed environment, one that does not discriminate jeans from the office attire. Having been pregnant for nearly two years straight, along with dumping a ton of money into expensive formula and all things baby, my wardrobe tanked along with our checkbook. I have been stuck in a jean cycle and some of them were not good jeans either. Even long before kids were in the picture I put myself in a role of wearing mainly black dress pants. I had convinced myself that skirts were only for summer because I thought I was too tall for heels and I didn't think the combo of flat shoes, skirts and awful stockings did much for my self-esteem. Confusing and messed up right? Somewhere along the line though I embraced heels and I like them. I like that I'm tall and try as I might to frown in the mirror at my reflection, what stands between me and the mirror is my daughter who is vying for her minute of primping. I have bit my tongue many times from saying, "ugh, I'm so fat, I hate myself." Last year I swore I would end that cycle and I have. I am accepting me more and more as time goes on. I am wearing dresses to work with heels and wedges and *gasp* stockings (more like tights, but whatever). After wearing the same belt for longer than Luke has been alive (is that the saddest thing you've read!) I have invested in some from Target and what a difference they make for an outfit, why have I waited so long? My hope in all of this is that when you feel better you beget better. Good comes from good. There are so many situations out of my control that I can't do anything about, but I can change my own way of thinking and accepting which in turn with morph into a mother of children with much less of body image problem than I carry with me.

What makes me laugh is that I found this the other day and smiled. Then I stumbled upon her and of course I just obsess over her.

Unexpected Day Off

2011-01-12T12:02:00.003-05:00

We woke up to this:

I went to work and saw this from our front office window:

Then I got the call to go home. So I did. The last 3 hours of this day have been as decadent as a slice of flourless chocolate cake. I am blessed and happy.

Done

2010-12-21T21:54:00.003-05:00

9:30am Sunday: Babysitter calls to say her mother died unexpectedly and she'd (obviously) need the week off.

9:40am Sunday: Call brother and sister-in-law to tell them the news and secure some babysitting for Ellie. Monday is taken care of. We'll find someone for Tuesday and Wednesday.

10:30am Sunday: John calls his mom. She can watch E on Wednesday but we'll have to drive her down. No problem, except that we have one car and he'll have to leave around 6:45am to be back in time for work.

10:45am Sunday: I call my Aunt Pat, she has doctor's appointments and can't commit to helping on Tuesday.

11am: I call my mom. She offers to use a vacation day to help us out on Tuesday.

Proceed with the day. Attend a family party which means kids don't nap and are overtired.

11am Monday: Call from Luke's teacher that he has pink eye and I need a doctor's note before he can come back to school. Need to pick him up immediately.

11:04am Monday: Call pediatrician's office. Can't get an appointment until Tuesday at 8:30. Call sister-in-law to say Luke is coming over.

11:15am Monday: Rush to school to get Luke. Drive home and get Vigamox, since we are stockpiled with the elixer.

11:30am Monday: Bring Luke to sister-in-laws. Get drops in his eyes. Head back to work.

7:00am Tuesday: Ellie wakes up with a bloody nose.

8:30am Tuesday: My mom arrives and takes over to spend the day with Ellie. I thought for sure Luke was off to school. Luke to the doctor. They decide to swab him for strep. Turns out he has it along with pink eye in both eyes. He's out of school for the rest of the week. Doctor says to make an appointment for Ellie to be checked today as well.

9am Tuesday: Bring script to the pharmacy for Luke. Bring Luke home to Grandma.

10am Tuesday: I have a meeting at work off-site.

11am Tuesday: Go to pharmacy to get Luke's medicine.

11:15am Tuesday: Go home to get medicine into Luke. Ellie screams for medicine too.

1pm Tuesday: John comes to my office to get surplus Vigamox since his eyes are burning.

4:30pm Tuesday: Go home. Make dinner. Wake up Ellie and get her dressed for the doctors.

5:30pm Tuesday: Go to doctor's. Determine that Ellie does not have strep but has a sinus infection and pink eye.

6pm Tuesday: Go back to pharmacy and drop off her script.

6:15pm Tuesday: Home. Eat dinner. Do baths and get kids in pjs.

7pm Tuesday: Luke and I go to pharmacy for 4th time in one day.

7:20pm Tuesday: Begin bedtime. Read books. Sing songs. Brush teeth.

8pm Tuesday: Kids to bed. Do laundry and dishes.

8:20pm Tuesday: Luke insists on his light on and door open. John lays down with him and reads more stories.

9pm Tuesday: Luke spits in his face. John punishes him. Luke throws up. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Until 10pm when the house is finally quiet.

Christmas wishes

2010-12-19T11:05:00.008-05:00

It's Christmas. The time of year where we run around buying things for others, sometimes with great thought and care and sometimes we buy in haste because we don't know what to get, or quite honestly just want to cross them off our list, or to have something, anything to give to them. It's the time of year where stores are crazy, drivers are impatient and the lines for everything are long. We stress ourselves out as we lose sight of what really matters.

My babysitter's mother died last night. It was sudden and unexpected. I remember her telling me a few weeks ago of how they shopped together over the previous weekend and her mom bought all of her four grandchildren lavish gifts which was somewhat out of character for her to do. I can only imagine what it will be like for them open those presents without her present to see their reactions. They will rather be left with a void. Their grandmother won't be there to hug and thank or to even reciprocate the surprise to.

My mom and I went to New York City a few weeks ago as a belated birthday trip. Hers not mine. It was lovely to be just the two of us without any distractions of kids or life in general. I asked her what it was like as a parent to leave my 22 year old smarter-than-you-can-imagine self in New Jersey to start a new phase of my life as a working girl in NYC? We laughed at my insane phone calls home, especially the time when I had locked myself out of my apartment and was on a pay phone near teenaged boys beating themselves up with baseball bats. Oh how smart I was; crying on a pay phone and wanting to be anywhere but where I was. Character building moments, right?

I am grateful for that day in NYC, even though it was crowded and crazy, it was fun.

We ate at a french restaurant with snooty service which I chalked up to part of the NYC experience. We wandered through crowded places like Anthropologie, the Union Square Holiday Market, Bryant Park and Grand Central. We went on The Ride and the whole bus sang Happy Birthday to her.

My mom always made Christmas a big deal. It was magical and special with strong traditions. Our holidays were built on family, surprises, and togetherness (with of course the right amount of crazy shopping days).

Remember the love you have, not the stuff you have. Live without regret.

Kissmiss

2010-11-30T20:57:00.007-05:00

If you're in a bad mood or not feeling well you should call us up and we'll put Ellie on the phone. She is in complete love with our Christmas tree and all things related. Snowmen, outdoor lights, Santa, you name it if she sees it she squeals with delight. The way she says "Kissmiss tee" will seriously have you grinning from ear to ear. I keep finding little piles of ornaments scattered about the house; a few on the recliner, one on the kitchen counter, a couple in her room, it cracks me up.

**********************

Tonight I was giving her a tubby (aka bath) and she started coughing really hard, the kind of coughing that is overly dramatic and you know is completely fake. I asked her if she was okay and she said, "Mom, I trow up."

You know about the crazy amounts of throw up in our house, isn't it hilarious that now she's imitating it? I tried to not crack up. Then she hit me with this, "I joke."

Her timing was just perfect.

PS the Kissmiss Tee pictures were taken with my iPhone in the dark thus the poor quality.

Laughter

2010-11-23T20:40:00.009-05:00

Don't you hate it when you write a post in your head and it's awesome. I mean seriously awesome. I just did as I sorted the laundry and poof! I sat down to blog it out and it's gone. Ah well.

So here's some recent visual fun! Life is too short for days like yesterday. Smile, live, love, and most of all laugh.

Someone likes Friendly's

The morning of her 2nd birthday, snotty sheets and all. (OMG the guilt of not writing about her big 2nd birthday is looming, as is the fact that I never sent out thank you cards for her gifts. Mother of the year. Right here.)

There are no words just laughter.

Blessed

Lost

2010-11-22T20:06:00.006-05:00

I remember the evening so clearly. I was home from New York City, my father had recently lost an election he was campaigning for while simultaneously serving with the Navy. He was gone more than he was home. It was a temporary thing but clearly it was upstanding and honorable. He also wanted to serve the people once again, as a County Supervisor. He thought somehow that he could do both. He campaigned, he traveled back and forth to Connecticut, he petitioned and walked door to door. I remember walking through the old folks home with him and one lady thought I was his wife, we couldn't stop laughing about that. He was fun, he was smiling, he was proud of his effort. He tried so hard and in the end he lost.

A very good friend of his told him (I'm paraphrasing here), "What did you expect, you weren't here, no one thought you could do both. You didn't give it your all."

My father was completely dejected. Lost. Sullen. He beat himself up. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He loved this town. He loved the Navy. His twinkle was lost. On this night I found him in a frustrated state, a side of him I had never seen before. He asked me to drive him to the local VFW. I asked him why and he barked back at me. I was scared actually, but I drove him there as I begged him to tell me what was going on. I watched him walk up the stairs with his head hanging low. I ran inside to him because this wasn't my father and I was worried for him. I sat on the stool next to him for a few minutes while he stared straight ahead and then I kissed him on the forehead and left.

It's a memory I keep buried, one that cuts me to the bone. I called my brother when I got home (I think my mom was at a meeting while this was going on) and thankfully he drove over and picked him up.

I feel that sullen pain tonight. That dejection and worry. My twinkle is lost. I have beaten myself up and at the same time I am confused as hell. The VFW is ironically at the very other end of the street that I live on. I want to run, I want to scream, I want to cry.

I played with Luke tonight before I made dinner. I wanted to laugh and forget the day. I asked him to never grow up, to just stay exactly as he is right now. He laughed in my face and said, "Mawmmm, I need to grow like a tree silly Mommy." Then he hugged me tight and said, "don't worry, I love you to moon and back and again."

You're little hands wrapped around my finger
And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
You're little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So, I tuck you in
Turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It can stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

Giving Thanks

2010-11-19T20:48:00.006-05:00

I love this town. I love good design. When I moved back here from NYC I knew I would have to settle for a job. Afterall, I left a nearly perfect position working with really fun people in the greatest city in the world. I never thought I'd really be able to make a living doing that same thing in the greatest small town in the world.

My college roommate and I have fretted and dreamed about opening a retail store someday. We used to send each other emails with ideas for store names. She wanted to buy a letterpress, I wanted to have fun and make people laugh. She lives in Minneapolis. I live here. We realized along the way that this was merely a dream and that we are both too invested in our lives to take on that kind of risk. She has branched out and worked so hard to have her dream job and I have been blessed to work for people who are willing to take the risk. The risk of opening a beautiful retail store full of charm and vintage urban awesomeness. A risk that affords me the opportunity to have fun, creating beautiful things inspired by our small part of the world.

Thanksgiving is next week. I am grateful, thankful, blessed and honored.

Inspiration

2010-11-03T21:36:00.004-04:00

I know, I know. I need to write about Ellie's 2nd birthday bash (which she shared with John who turned 35) and I will. I'll also send out the thank you notes soon too. Oh the guilt. Right now though my knees are aching from probably poor form on the treadmill and I'm listening to my husband make a cake, complete with homemade frosting, for work tomorrow. The birthday tradition at his company is to have the person who had the last birthday make the cake of choice for the next birthday celebrator. He's doing an awesomely endearing job.

Anyway. I just want to share the places I've been visiting lately. They inspire me with their sense of style, their amazingly inspirational attitude, and their determination.

I have felt stuck recently and this makes me want to put on some sneakers and burst out onto the pavement.

In other news after school Luke told Ellie that he missed her today and that he loved her. She replied with, "no." So he said, "I didn't miss you Elle." I kind of laughed to myself, the poor guy felt so rejected and he was being so honestly sweet to her with no prodding from anyone. A few minutes passed and he looked at her and said, "Talk to me Elle."

He is waiting for the day she engages him in conversation and it makes my heart swell. I love these kids. I know I write about how hard life can be with them sometimes but it is seriously the best life ever.

Promises we can't keep

2010-11-02T21:30:00.004-04:00

In the morning before I leave him for the day at school Luke always asks me the same question: "You pick me up today right Mommy?"

I respond to him with this as he looks into my eyes with a bit of desperation and on the verge of separation anxiety: "I'll always pick you up at the end of the day Luke. Always. Every day."

Then we hug, kiss and high-five to a great day with big smiles on our faces.

My babysitter lost her best friend to cancer on Saturday. She fought the battle for five years and was a mother to three great kids. I didn't know her all that well but there were days in the summer when I would get to the sitter's house to pick up the kids and she would be holding Ellie on her lap, singing to her and laughing. I've seen her every so often for the last three years and never knew she was sick. She was always so happy and smiling and there was always laughter when she was visiting.

Even though I didn't really know her, I feel the loss. My heart is heavy for her family and I feel a lump in my throat as I promise Luke that I will always be there for him. I know it is overly morose but the hard reality is that we never know what tomorrow will bring.

I am praying and begging that I will live long enough to see my children's children. I'll push it farther than that though because I want to see my great-grandchildren.

I am thankful for every day I have been blessed with. Rest in peace Dianna.

A day in the life*

2010-10-26T21:49:00.005-04:00

Alarm goes off at 4:45am.

Leave house for 2 hour workout class at 5:15am

Workout until 7:20am

7:30am arrive home to kids eating breakfast and John in the shower. I sit down for a quick breakfast, dancing between wiping dirty hands, pouring myself a cup of coffee, and cleaning wet cereal off the floor.

7:45am pick out clothes for kids.

7:50am hop in the shower and hear through the muffled sound of the water and fan that Ellie is screaming as John is trying to get her dressed.

8am dry my hair, kiss John goodbye console Ellie or watch as she thrashes herself all over the floor.

8:14am dressed, make-up on, commence bag packing and complaining that the breakfast dishes are still on the table and why didn't I pack the bags the night before?

8:20 tell Luke it's time to get dressed. He can go either way, happily oblige as he watches George or fight me tooth and nail. Ellie screams for "nigh nigh teets"="gummy treats". I say, "okay everyone let's sit down for shoes and coats." Luke happily turns the tv off. Ellie screams for "pot pot" and I have no clue what this means until I realize it means she sees Luke's backpack and wants her own. Luke has his shoes and coat on and is now on the front porch. Ellie is back in her room, trying to get something from her crib and freaking out again. Oh the screaming. Then she chokes on her gummy treat.

8:25 where is Luke? Standing by the car trying to open his door. Ellie is in the house screaming that I have left her. I get him in his seat and go back to get her. She has to do everything herself of course which takes us twice as long.

8:27 Put E in the car and shut the door so she can climb into her seat by herself. Shit I forgot my phone and my wallet. Unlock the door, get what I need. Ellie is still not in her seat.

8:29 fight with E and wrestle her into her carseat against her will as neighbors walk by with their dog staring at me.

8:37 Arrive at sitter.

8:50 Arrive at school with Luke.

9:03 Arrive at work.

4:15 leave work to get Luke at school

4:24 Luke comes running to me across the playground. Best part of the day.

4:30 walk through school, check out his room, empty his locker.

4:40 Arrive at sitter. Recap her day. 2nd best part of the day.

4:44 Drive around to waste time until 5pm so that we can pick up John at work.

5:05 wait in the Travelers parking lot bribing the kids with a Thomas movie on my phone. Or a round of Itsy Bitsy Spider.

5:18 John calls to say he'll be down in a minute.

5:25 everyone screams for dad. 3rd best part of the day.

5:35 arrive home and empty car with the 10 different bags of everyone's daily possessions.

5:45 start dinner, put in a movie, talk to John, post some shit on Facebook.

6pm dinner.

6:30 start baths which starts more fights with kids. John does the dishes. Sometimes one of us hides in our bedroom and watches tv.

7pm play trains, have a dance party in the kitchen, or do ring around the rosy about 10 times.

7:10 read books for 20 minutes

7:30 John tells Luke 2 stories, Ellie turns off every light in the house and says good night to all inanimate objects.

7:45 sit in the recliner and realize we haven't picked up half of the dinner dishes or looked through the immense amount of paperwork we get from school.

8pm clean up, sweep, vacuum, talk

8:40 cycle some laundry and get on the treadmill for 30 minutes

9:10 pick up the toys off the living room floor.

9:14 sit my ass down

*Single parents have my utmost respect.

Parental Confidence

2010-10-21T10:18:00.003-04:00

I have a fear of doing the wrong thing or pissing people off or being judged by others. I guess it's normal in a way but as a parent it's a daily struggle. Am I doing the right thing? Did I punish him in the right way? Am I too easy? Did I take that "lesson" too far? Does the babysitter think I'm nuts?

I am learning to trust myself and my parental instincts. Luke has the incredible ability to throw up. It's some kind of crazy skill he's developed to manipulate situations. He doesn't like swim lessons, so he throws up. He doesn't like a particular babysitter so he throws up. On her. He doesn't like the smell of certain foods or places or whatever, so he throws up. If Ellie throws up or has a nasty dirty diaper, you guessed it, he throws up. It is exhausting to deal with.

He's in school now and he's thrown up twice. Once was legitimate. He had a fever, and some other symptoms that day and the next but he was healthy and perfect the rest of the weekend. Eating fine, playing fine, sleeping fine. Then Monday comes and he throws up again at school. He said he's sad at school because he can't find me anywhere. That he's so lonely and he misses me. The desperation in his voice had me almost in tears as I watched him well up and look out the window of the car. I was shocked too, since he has never once cried when I left him at school, he's always happy to go and enjoys his days there. Is he that good of an actor at 3, I don't know.

The school's policy is to send kids home when they throw up. But clearly he wasn't sick the second time. He spent the day at the sitter and ate and played and was the picture of health. I really think he was testing to see if he throws up that he'll get to go home. But this can't be a pattern. I can't keep having to leave work and he can't keep manipulating the situation.

So we went to the doctor today, she wrote us a note for school that says he hyper sensitive to smells and that unless he has a loss of appetite, fever, etc that he is not to be sent home. I felt validated and even though we were talking about these issues in front of him he was happy to oblige his thoughts about school and tell his doctor how much fun he has. In a way it seemed to go over his head as he kissed and hugged me throughout the visit.

We left the doctor's office and headed to school. I handed the note to his teacher and she kind of blew me off. She said she didn't need the note as she half-read it and laughed it off, but I told her to keep it for his file. I was told that if other kids are sick they won't keep him in school but if no one else is they'll work with me to keep in class. I told her I wasn't trying to make a bigger deal about it, but that this has been going on at home for 2 years now. I am confident in how we are handling this. I am his parent. I am doing what I feel is the right thing.

Having said all of that I feel like I am "that" parent. The one the teacher thinks is overbearing and crazy. I guess I better get used to it because I have 15 more years to go.

When you hear Tim McGraw

2010-09-29T20:49:00.002-04:00

I went with John to a somewhat nerve-wracking doctor's appointment today. Everything turned out fine in the end thank God. However, as I drove there to meet him the song that came on the radio was "Live Like You Were Dying". We will Tim McGraw. We will.

Ruin is a gift

2010-09-27T21:04:00.007-04:00

I saw Eat, Pray, Love recently. I really liked it, I cried and laughed even though I didn't really believe that Julia had a weight problem. I mean, come on! The scenery was pure beauty and this bit has stuck with me ever since.

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around at this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

The British are brilliant

2010-09-26T14:38:00.007-04:00

This is all I have today.

The Boys of Fall

2010-09-20T21:16:00.008-04:00

If you know me, like really know me, you know that I don't like football. I'd rather put away laundry and clean the bathroom than watch a game. I don't understand the plays and I have no desire to figure it out. I don't participate in fantasy football although my husband is constantly in my ear about his team. Paradoxically I love football. I love sitting on the bleachers in the crisp fall air, hearing the thud of helmets hitting helmets, the whistle blowing, the crowd yelling Go D! I love it. I love the team work, the huddles, the spirit, the drive.

I grew up in a football family. My father played for St. Mary's as did my brother until the school closed which found him playing his senior year at Glens Falls and then playing center for Norwich University. My dad (and my mom too) was always there for my brother, holding the yard markers, helping the coaches, supportive as best he could but never in the overbearing kind of way. He was the gentle giant that stood quietly by but when necessary made his voice known. I vividly remember a picture of my dad clad in stonewashed jeans (it was 1989!) standing on the field at Norwich with my brother. The smiles and pride, the dreams and goals, the support and love are ever present in this moment frozen in time.

The torch has now been passed to my nephew who has played for the past 4 years. He's growing by leaps and bounds and that little guy running around with a huge helmet has been replaced with a tall and slender young man.

We went to Jacob's game today and at the end we went down on the field for high-fives. Luke extended his hand in awe of these real, live players. His mouth hung open as his eyes scanned them from helmet to cleat. And then he saw Jacob, it was as if he saw a star.

I wanted my father there. I could hear him laughing, I heard the pride bursting through the intense sunset, I saw his hand on Jake's shoulder, passing on the torch. I felt the loss as we remembered when Jacob first saw our cousin play at Union when he was merely Ellie's age.

I am so proud of this family. I want my nephew to see my father's yearbook, to see the lineage.

I want you to watch this. I know it's long, but take the time. And yes I'm going to say it, I am going to go all the way and get all cheesy and cliche on you:It's not just about football, it's about the way of life. Go build your team, get psyched and tackle your dreams whatever they may be.

The first day

2010-09-13T20:28:00.007-04:00

Luke had his first day of "school" today. He was so proud to go, so proud of the lunch he helped me make, so proud of his locker and all of his supplies.

8:40am
He walked down the big hallway and with twinkly wide eyes said, "What is this place?"

"This is your school buddy!"

"Oh, okay mawn."

And off he went. We got everything situated just so, in his locker and he sat right down to play John Deere tractors with the other boys. He gave me a kiss and a hug and never looked back.

I talked with his teacher for a minute before I walked out of the room. I looked in to see if he noticed that I was gone and clearly he could have cared less. I hesitated in the doorway before I walked out of the building and back to the car. There were no tears we were both just so proud to be so secure with this new routine.

4:30pm
I found him playing on the playground. He looked so tired. I scooped him up and we hugged for what seemed like 10 minutes. "I was awaiting for you Mawm. I couldn't find you. I made a flower, but I didn't want to make 'nother one."

"Did you have fun today!?"

"Yeah I did have fun. I made a flower. I need to get my stuff Mawm. It's in my school."

"Well okay let's go get it."

"Some boy made me so, so sad. He broke my feelins Mawm. Brodie is my best friend. He is because he is nice. I play John Deere tractor with him and he play dump truck. That 'nother boy hurt me, teacher told him to sit on floor. He broke my feelins."

And so it begins. The heart ache and the soaring pride. Tomorrow is another day I told him.

"I'm sure that boy didn't mean it, if it happens again just tell him you forgive him and keep on playing okay?"

"Okay. I did miss you Mawm. I love you."

Mr. Sandman

2010-09-09T21:36:00.003-04:00

Last night I dreamed it was my college graduation. My dad was there with my mom, we didn't talk, we just walked around campus. Then we sat on a couch and texted each other. Kind of weird isn't it? I don't remember what we said but I do remember laughing and feeling the security and comfort of us all being back together.

As usual, there was a flash and I was in a ghetto neighborhood, lost and walking down scary streets with vicious dogs. My dreams always take this turn. It's a cycle of finding myself lost in some New York City ghetto with gun shots firing as I take cover in a random ethnic marketplace.

Mmmkay. Dreams are strange. Mr. Sandman, I beg you to lead me down better roads than the ghetto from now on.

Ellie: Grace

2010-09-04T22:49:00.003-04:00

2 months to 2 years

Another peak into the crazy life of the Stevens family.